For some reason people always want to know what it is like for my husband being married to a romance writer. Awesome sums it up nicely. Am I right, honey? I mean I never asked him but of course he would say that, he put a ring on it. If I am entirely honest I will admit there might be a few minor drawbacks. But do you really want to know about that? Can you handle it?
Well here goes. First you are stoked. It is high fives for everyone.
Things will be great at the beginning because lets face it, you’re a man and you can deal with a lot if you’re getting frequent quality sex. Except she writes about sex a whole lot more than she actually has it. Dirty filthy books don’t just write themselves and that cuts into the having sex time… and she hasn’t washed her hair since she started chapter two…and is that soy sauce on her yoga pants? Odd considering it has been a week since you had Chinese food.
While you are waiting for that epic sex you were promised you will get used to the fact that your wife has the dirtiest mind in the room, in every room, no matter where you go. She will say outrageous things because without an editor reining her in, she is never the right side of appropriate.
Eventually you will accept that at dinner parties your wife’s introduction will always be followed by “She writes dirty books.” The women will smile and the men will catch your eye to give you a mental high five. By this point you will know it is not all rampant sex but you play along because there is no way you are going to kill the dream.
And then it will finally happen. It will be all systems go. Your wife needs help blocking a sex scene! These are the moments you live for. Yes of course you will help her see if it is possible to reach that bit whilst simultaneously licking that bit and reaching for the shower head .
You will absolutely man up when scalding water sprays up your nostrils and you discover the hard way that indeed that part of your body will not bend that direction…and oh shit that burns but you keep going because this is the crazy hot sex you have been promised. You will get used to the fact that everyone thinks they know about your sex life because they have read your wife’s books. And you know what? They do know a lot more about your sex life than they should because even though she swears it is fiction, you were there. You remember saying that when you were doing precisely that. You might even still have the video of it on your phone. But by this point you are unfazed. Coworkers can snicker in the lift and make jokes about throbbing manhoods, you just don’t care. But then it happens. Someone asks you about chapter 16 of her latest release. You can’t admit that you haven’t read it so you just smile when people start to cover their mouths and giggle. Someone is brash enough to ask if it is based on you. Again you just smile. That night you find a copy of her latest. And Oh My God. Your wife is filthy. The scene with the crisco and the peanut butter and the strap on. Is this based on you?!
But it is too late. Everyone thinks you spend your Saturdays in a gimp mask indulging in pony play. This is not what you singed up for. Your wife notes your distress and offers you sex, no strings attached, not going to block out a scene, just sex. But all you can think about is the scene you just read.