What it is like to be married to a romance writer ?

For some reason people always want to know what it is like for my husband being married to a romance writer. Awesome sums it up nicely. Am I right, honey? I mean I never asked him but of course he would say that, he put a ring on it. If I am entirely honest I will admit there might be a few minor drawbacks. But do you really want to know about that? Can you handle it?

Well here goes. First you are stoked. It is high fives for everyone.

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She writes sex all day. So clearly she is up for it

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The sex is going to be amazing because did I mention she writes about sex all day? She will know about things you have never heard of, and yes sir, she might even be willing to try them.

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Things will be great at the beginning because lets face it, you’re a man and you can deal with a lot if you’re getting frequent quality sex. Except she writes about sex a whole lot more than she actually has it. Dirty filthy books don’t just write themselves and that cuts into the having sex time… and she hasn’t washed her hair since she started chapter two…and is that soy sauce on her yoga pants? Odd considering it has been a week since you had Chinese food. 200

But you will man up because there is a promise of great sex…once she finishes the next chapter. It might be a while but you can wait because when it happens this sex is going to be amazing.

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While you are waiting for that epic sex you were promised you will get used to the fact that your wife has the dirtiest mind in the room, in every room, no matter where you go. She will say outrageous things because without an editor reining her in, she is never the right side of appropriate.

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Eventually you will accept that at dinner parties your wife’s introduction will always be followed by “She writes dirty books.” The women will smile and the men will catch your eye to give you a mental high five. By this point you will know it is not all rampant sex but you play along because there is no way you are going to kill the dream.

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And then it will finally happen. It will be all systems go. Your wife needs help blocking a sex scene! These are the moments you live for. Yes of course you will help her see if it is possible to reach that bit whilst simultaneously licking that bit and reaching for the shower head .

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You will absolutely man up when scalding water sprays up your nostrils and you discover the hard way that indeed that part of your body will not bend that direction…and oh shit that burns but you keep going because this is the crazy hot sex you have been promised. You will get used to the fact that everyone thinks they know about your sex life because they have read your wife’s books. And you know what? They do know a lot more about your sex life than they should because even though she swears it is fiction, you were there. You remember saying that when you were doing precisely that. You might even still have the video of it on your phone. But by this point you are unfazed. Coworkers can snicker in the lift and make jokes about throbbing manhoods, you just don’t care. But then it happens. Someone asks you about chapter 16 of her latest release. You can’t admit that you haven’t read it so you just smile when people start to cover their mouths and giggle. Someone is brash enough to ask if it is based on you. Again you just smile. That night you find a copy of her latest. And Oh My God. Your wife is filthy. The scene with the crisco and the peanut butter and the strap on. Is this based on you?!

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But it is too late. Everyone thinks you spend your Saturdays in a gimp mask indulging in pony play. This is not what you singed up for. Your wife notes your distress and offers you sex, no strings attached, not going to block out a scene, just sex. But all you can think about is the scene you just read.

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And right here is where we separate the men from the boys. If you can mentally unread that scene and get back on the horse, you have what it takes to be romance writer’s husband. So do you, boys?

 

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47 thoughts on “What it is like to be married to a romance writer ?

  1. Awesome!! I laughed so hard I almost wet myself. One of the funniest things I have read in a long time.

  2. Reblogged this on In The Binding and commented:
    Oh I absolutely loved this! I was cracking up. Remind me to ask hubby if he really feels this way? I’m definitely guilty of sitting in pj’s and not having washed my hair haha. Any others out there guilty of this?

  3. Genius. Why are crime writers never asked about all the murders they have committed as ‘research’?

  4. This is so true it’s scary. My husband just silenced the room today with, “Yea, she writes porn.” And, as always, my response is something along the lines of, “IT’S NOT PORN. READ THE FREAKING BOOK!”

  5. You left out the best part…where you tell the kids it’s ALL based on you and Dad. Cause messing with their heads just never gets old.

  6. Ha ha ha!
    My son has pleaded with me never to write a sex scene because he doesn’t want to know what goes on in my head.
    Which is fair enough.

  7. Hilarious! My husband tells the tale of how I made him lay in bed, jumped on top of him, told him where to put his hands…then dashed off to write the scene. Everyone feels sorry for him! lol

  8. I read the entire blog. Then I read EVERY COMMENT. Then I scrolled up and checked each commenters name. Hmmm, it seems I am the ONLY male that follows you. No I am not a stalker, I am a fellow writer and I write in what is (so far) an unnamed genre. I call it Murder Mysteries, Romance. Sue Ellison is my main character, a late 20’s ex cop turned private detective. Sue’s real goal – between solving murders – is to find the right guy, settle down, marry or the next closest thing, raise kids and worry about soccer games and ballerina classes. She knows bedroom compatibility is critical, thus she sleeps with a prospective mate in every novel. Alas all have feet of clay (or worse – married, bi, serial seducers, impotent – Sue has a check list, most fail) I too have a spouse, while we were romancing we were, and I think, still are the envy or our friends. I don’t care much for the word torrid but it fits. Most of Sue’s sex scenes are a pale shadow of the real thing. It’s great when two adventurers travel together. We’ve owned a charter boat on B.C.’s North Coast, a long-haul truck line running across North America, did land development with views of an extinct volcano and My wife has given up reading my material, as the saying goes we’ve been there, done that, what Sue gets up to is a pale shadow to the real thing.

  9. Thanks so much a great big laugh! Bravo for the honesty, and on the good man you married. My hubby is quite proud to tell people what I write! So I suppose I’m one lucky woman too!

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