Did you even know there was such an affliction? No? Neither did I, until my jeans were a little snug after hitting a deadline late, and the impression in my seat was a trifle larger, as though someone else had been sitting there for eight hours a day cupping their head and berating the word Gods. It came up in conversation one day, in our Carina UK Facebook group.
Writer’s butt.
And what these (way more energetic ladies) planned to do about it. There were suggestions of a special desk, levelled at typing height, while they stepped and typed their way to a new butt. Some bought bikes. Or vowed to walk the kids to school. Or take up yoga. Deadlines, and complete disorganisation seemed to be a good excuse as any not to follow suit, but surely there was an easier way? In the interest of butt’s everywhere I have devised a plan to curb the growth of your gluteus Maximus with minimal effort.
Tip one: Stay horizontal. Plot your next bestseller from the comfort of the sofa. If you steal a few spoonful’s of Nutella while you do so, so be it. After all, you burn up a bunch of calories just thinking about work. I mean, you’re responsible for people’s lives, after all, and just because they’re fictional, doesn’t make it any less important. You have a lot of responsibility, and you need to take care of YOU. Lying prostrate will allow the blood to flow freely, and the fat to distribute evenly.
Tip two: It goes without saying hydration is a key element in any health regime. It’s important to keep your fluids up no matter how busy you are. Your characters could be facing a zombie apocalypse, and the near extinction of the world we live in, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pause and refresh your drink. Your butt will thank you later.
Tip three: Sleep. No one likes an angry, over-tired writer. Especially not your butt. Aim for eight to twelve hours a night. This will also come in handy for tip two, if you over indulge in the Vino Bianco. Sleep it off. Dream of your characters, a smaller butt, and all will be good in the world the next day.
Tip Four: Vitamin D. We all know a writer and their butt never really switch off. Anything can spark that imagination of ours. Twenty four/seven we’re on call. But if you see a ray of sunshine, head outside, and soak up that vitamin D while you can. Preferably, somewhere there’s some eye candy. After all, it’s important to know exactly the angle of an Ab ripple for your next book and there’s only so much YouTube and Pinterest can show you. Head to the beach with some binoculars, and your butt, and see what you find.
Tip Five: In the interest of your health, there will have to be some proper exercise. You won’t get butt ready without it I’m afraid. My fifth tip, is to go all out. Horizontal running just makes so much sense to me. Less impact on those joints. No real need for a sports bra. Your hands are still kinda free to clutch snacks.
Tip six: I dunno. After all this talk, I’ve kind of come to grips with my butt and its size. Maybe a bigger butt means I’m writing more? That I’m committed to my art? Or maybe…
Rebecca Raisin writes romance for Carina UK when she’s not messing around on Pinterest in the name of research. Find her books here:


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