Partly due to an unhealthy, midlife-crisis obsession with vampires – thank you Twilight – I’ve been thinking lately, how awesome it would be if, as a writer, I were a bloodsucker. It would SO fit in with my lifestyle. How? Here are just a few points:
I rarely go out during the day anyhow, planting my backside in front of the computer at around 8am and often not leaving it until the kids get home at 3pm. So I wouldn’t have to worry about the sun igniting me, nor would I need one of those cool sun-protective rings worn by Damon and Stefan in The Vampire Diairies.
Whilst I religiously cook from scratch for the family, most days, I could easily live on snacks. Just imagine NEVER having to cook! (Can you sense my excitement?) All I’d need would be a glass of blood by my desk (not warm or it would clot – see, I’ve really thought this through).
I’d dare any agent, reviewer or publisher to be negative about my work – one sniff of a derogatory comment and I’d be around in a flash, to sink my fangs into their neck.
With immortality, I’d have centuries to perfect my art, and ultimately would be the wittiest, most successful chick lit author ever. Pah, to the competition, beating me in the Amazon rankings, who’d eventually be dead whilst I was still looking young and hot 🙂
I could indulge in all those writerly vices – alcohol, smoking, indulgent foods – without doing a jot of harm to my body. Having trouble with the synopsis? No problem, 12 yummy Krispy Kreme donuts would probably help sort the job.
I could easily attend all those writers events, down in London, by sprinting there at breakneck speed. No train or plane or automobile fares for me.
My computer would no longer irritate me when it goes slow or crashes. I’d really appreciate it because I’d still remember the ancient days when I had to write on walls, and more recently, the typewriter.
Yes, it would be wonderful to be a Vampire Writer – perhaps one day it will happen. Whaddaya mean vampires aren’t real? *Fists curl* Watch out! If they are, you’ll be the first on my hit list … unless you buy my books and say nice things about them 🙂